The pandemic has brought people together in a whole new (and still separate) way, as germophobes, conspiracy nuts, hoarders, and social outcasts have finally been embraced by the rest of the population.
Well, maybe not embraced, but acknowledged from a minimum of six feet away.
At the very least, we now blend in seamlessly with the general population.
Of course, while the rest of you normal people are going crazy from cabin fever, people in our group now feel like we own the stinkin’ town.
Here are my five most awesome tips to stay safe and maintain social distancing.
I should know; I’ve used them since 1983:
#1. Life is a Masquerade: always wear a mask.
Here’s the one I like to use.
Not only does this baby protect me from inhaling microscopic droplets, but people make a special effort to give me space.
#2. Get Ready Cuz Here I Come: you’ll know when I arrive
I stopped bathing since before the start of the pandemic.
It gives me an extra layer of grime to protect me from airborne particles.
Another benefit is people voluntarily let me go ahead of them in line at Costco.
Toilet paper, here I come!
#3. Make friends while you walk your three dogs at night
One is not a lonely number when you’re accompanied by Man’s best friend.
People always ask me if my dogs are friendly.
I say “sure, if you give him something to eat. [stage whisper] He’s kind of hungry right now.”
You’d be surprised how often they’ll say “give them a treat for me!” and leave a wad of bills in my path as they turn around and run off in the opposite direction.
Cerberus is just one dog!
#4. Singin in the rain: people will stay out of the splash zone
When I’m out and it’s raining if people come toward me, I jump as high as I can and land in every puddle.
If the water splashing doesn’t cause them to back off, the crazed expression on my face and my screams of “damn water moccasins!” will.
#5. My Girl: remember to go out for strolls with your lover
I have a walking stick named Lucille.
In case you’re not a fan of the Walking Dead, Lucille is a 36" Louisville Slugger wrapped with barbed wire.
As people approach, I take practice swings at hanging branches, trash cans and mail boxes, while singing “My Girl”
They always cross to the other side of the street.
Bonus for singles: I Can’t Get Next to You
For single people, this is an extremely difficult time.
Absolutely no dating allowed.
Don’t succumb to the Temptations, no matter how great they sound.
Because if you don’t follow these safety tips, all you might leave your family is alone.