Another of my satisfied readers. Photo by Sabina Music Rich on Unsplash tinted by author.

When I say real treats, I’m not talking about 10-day old leftover Halloween candy.*

No, I’m talking about three-year-old writing gems that have been covered under the detritis of a billion Medium articles on how to make money by writing online or how much money someone made writing online about how much money they made with an article about making money by writing online.

Photo by Laurenz Kleinheider on Unsplash

Test #1: Look in a mirror

If you…

Don’t see your reflection, congratulations! You’re not a narcissist, but you may be a vampire.

See your reflection in the mirror, but don’t know it’s you, congratulations! You’re not a narcissist, but you’re probably a zombie.

See your reflection in the mirror and try to butt heads with it, congratulations…

My fans chanting for a rant encore. Photo by Nicholas Green on Unsplash

There’s no accounting for taste, especially when it comes to the small number of people who like my writing.

Let’s just say that my sense of humor is an acquired taste… like chocolate-covered pickle ice cream garnished with fire ants.

While most of you out there have the good sense to ignore my rabble-rousing, rants, and ruminations, I am grateful to those who have read and clapped for my…

Photo by bruce mars on Unsplash

With all due respect to Don McLean, music didn’t die at all in 1959 (the tragic plane crash that killed Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, and Ritchie Valen), or in 1971, the year he released his historic hit “American Pie.”

And it will probably go on for a long, long time, despite how strongly readers may feel that I’ve killed music with my song parodies, including a great collaboration with Mike Range in which “American Pie” takes on a whole new meaning.

But if you enjoyed my humorous approach to…

A RANT THAT BREAKS THE RULES

Photo by Tarik Haiga on Unsplash — tinted a stylized teal by author

The old saying goes “you’re not paranoid if they’re really out to get you,” but I still wonder.

After years of being ignored by the algorithm, I decided to poke and prod it like a laboratory hamster. At first, I didn’t realize it, but now I see that the algorithm is the wheel, and we are the hamsters.

Little did I know that the algorithm also had feelings…

Dead Fish Slap

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash (I couldn’t insert a picture using auto dicate. Does this mean I lose the laziness contest?)

So let the chips fall where they may. Parentheses dammit it won’t let me put it (Mark to start one of my usual stream of consciousness comments within a comment. Oh) that was my reaction to the software actually putting in (mark)) oh wow this works. I’m so thrilled with…

NOT A SPORTS ARTICLE, ROZ

Getty Images

Just when I thought I was out. He pulls me back in.

Like Michael Corleone, I was trying to go legit. No more sports stories for a writing platform that buries my stories faster than The Godfather’s soldatos.

In addition to analyzing what makes Djokovic one of the greatest champions in tennis history, I have documented his bizarre actions and words over…

The Art Critic’s Response

Art Critic source

Who could have known that deconstructing Medium’s visual messages could become a full time job?

As the s̶e̶l̶f̶-̶p̶r̶o̶c̶l̶a̶i̶m̶e̶d̶ u̶n̶i̶v̶e̶r̶s̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶p̶r̶a̶i̶s̶e̶d̶ resident graphic design professional in these parts, I have taken my role as a̶r̶t̶ ̶s̶n̶o̶b̶ a̶n̶g̶r̶y̶ ̶c̶r̶a̶n̶k̶ arbiter of good taste in corporate communications seriously.

2017

I shined a light on Medium’s technique of using snooty wine descriptions in order to convince you that their sausage…

A RANDOM LONG-FORM RANT

Photo by Etienne Girardet on Unsplash

For about a minute, this clickbaity gem started as a way to poke fun at Medium.

I hadn’t been writing much the last few months as I’ve been wasting my time on even less important pursuits.

When I came back one day, I saw a big white 5 inside my green notification circle and felt a little thrill — even though it took five days to…

Lon Shapiro

Ad agency creative director, writer & designer at https://guttmanshapiro.com. Former pro tennis player and peak performance coach for professional athletes.

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