Congratulations, Ellie! I knew your virtual invention the Cuntblaster 6000 was going to be a huuuuuuuuuuge success.

Now that you are a famous writer, might I suggest you take it to the next level with the easy-to-follow guide “8 Simple Steps to Become a News Maker”?

Here’s how you can monetize your future posts:

“Oh, and by the way, you’ll want to subscribe to my email newsletter for critical updates and bonus content here, my online webinar here, the seminar coming to your town soon here, and the series of books I’ve written here, here, here and here. I promise there will be no further commercial interruptions. (okay, I lied. Buy something here. Okay, I’m done.)”