Critics finally praise the Patriots
Last night, New England trailed 7–0 for just over a minute at the end of the first quarter. With the pressure on, the following play happened at 3:16 in the video:
Dion Lewis catches a screen pass and was tackled after gaining 31 yards to the Titans 19-yard line. Without any hesitation, he bounced up and continued to run past the Titans defenders who had stopped playing after the tackle.
Play by play man Jim Nance exclaimed “he doesn’t think he was down, so he takes it to the end zone.”
One referee signaled that the play ended as a touchdown.
Replays showed that the entirety of Lewis’ extremely large ass landed squarely on the frozen astro turf at Gillette Stadium and not the relatively warm and soft legs of the Titan tackler. The touchdown was overturned, and the New England crowd booed angrily.
Color man Tony Romo applauded Lewis for his acting skills.
What could explain Lewis’ behavior? Was his instant reaction just a player going until the whistle blew? Or was it a function of his brilliant coach’s attention to every detail, regardless of whether it involves breaking any rule he can get away with?
The Press Conference
When asked for comment Belichick grumbled and muttered something about moving on to the next game.
However Lewis broke the Patriots’ strict policy of saying nothing to the media when he started gushing about the generosity of his coach:
I’m sorry for the mistaken attempt to score after being tackled. Like Derrick Coleman* of the Kansas City Chiefs, I am a physically disabled player in the NFL…
I have a rare form of CIPA, (Congenital Insensitivity to Pain with Anhidrosis) that only affects my butt, which is unable to feel pain and temperature.
As tears began to well up in his eyes, Lewis continued:
Throughout my career, my inability to feel my bottom has drawn the scorn of coaches and teammates…
Each time I failed to react to teammates snapping wet towels at my ass in the shower, they looked at me like I was some kind of a freak, and eventually I was cut by the team.
I was too ashamed of my condition to go to the players union for this type of discrimination, but fortunately, praise the Lord, coach Belichick came to me and said ‘[unintelligible grumbling]’.
I can’t tell you how wonderful it is that this coach and all the CIPA-affected players on this team have accepted me for who I am. He’s turned my career around and I am a Patriot for life (or until he cuts me).
For this reason, I am setting up a scholarship fund for all children who suffer similar afflictions…
I’ve reached out to the fraternity of professional athletes, and many have come forward to admit their own disability and help the foundation raise awareness of this rare, but serious affliction, including Ron Artest (elbow CIPA), Zinedine Zidane (cranium CIPA) and Kelly Olynyk (CIPA concerning other people’s body parts).
If you have a child who suffers from CIPA, want to contribute or volunteer to the foundation, or simply want to raise awareness of this terrible disability, please go to Icantfeelmyass.com, #metutu.
The Critics Reaction
Kurt Warner: “What a great guy, giving a chance to players with CIPA. That explains why his defensive secondary held my receivers on every play in Super Bowl XXXVI. They weren’t cheating; they simply couldn’t feel any sensation in their hands!”
Ryan Grigson: “We humbly apologize to Tom Brady and the Patriots. Tom’s inability to feel the ball in his hands proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he had no involvement in deflategate.”
Roger Goodell: “It is clear now that Belichick’s generosity and humanitarian gestures extend to his coaching staff. How could that assistant know he was filming the Jets’ signals if he couldn’t feel a video camera was in his hands?”
Referees: “When we saw Lewis’ reaction during the slow motion replay, we realized that the Patriots must be employing other CIPA afflicted players and decided not to call them for grabbing the face mask or holding until the game was safely in hand. We’re just trying to be good citizens, too.”
Fans globally are cheering for the Patriots, and now yearning for another Super Bowl victory. In Indianapolis, Baltimore, Seattle, and Carolina, people are buying Patriots jerseys that carry the CIPA patch and wearing buttons that state “I Like Bill.”
In Germany, massive crowds have demonstrated in the streets, chanting “Ich bin ein Patriot.”
*First deaf player in the NFL