Don’t worry, I’ll be fine on Nov. 9th
How a Trump win will screw you, you, you, and you, but not me.
Back on August 13, I wrote about media bias in favor of Herr Drumpf:
When the coverage changes at some point over the next month or so, they will focus on Clinton’s flaws and conveniently forget every stupid thing Trump has said. They will do everything they can to tighten the race, because that means more ratings and more money.
So, in spite of the unprecedented lying by Donald Trump (70% rated by Politifact as false, compared to 26% false statements by Hillary Clinton), according to the most recent polls, a majority of American voters think little Donnie is more trustworthy.
And while Trump’s business history of welching, reneging, cheating, bankruptcy, and outright scams (for which he will stand trial on November 28, and could face criminal sentencing) is public knowledge, our focus is entirely on Clinton’s emails. Why did that Mexican judge not have the trial during the election? Isn’t the public entitled to know if Trump will face jail time (and impeachment if he wins the election) BEFORE we vote? Just like we are entitled to know if Anthony Weiner’s dick pix prove that Clinton leaked national secrets?
As we watch the polls tighten, and people begin to vote early (in fear of the massive election crush created by Republican controlled legislatures to minimize voter turnout), there is every chance Trump may pull off the upset. Here is a wish list that will be granted to all you disaffected and disenfranchised people who have suffered under the tyrany of that black Muslim (sorry, Herr Drumpf says we can’t say Kenyan anymore) in the White House:
- Lower Taxes: According to the Trump tax plan, you will see a 2% boost in your after-tax income! (Unless you’re in rich old white guy tax bracket, in which I will see about a 10% boost in my after-tax income.)
- Less Benefits: All these tax cuts come at a cost. Trump’s plan will increase the deficit by as much as $5.9 TRILLION DOLLARS over the next ten years. The only way to deal with these deficits is to cut entitlements, which is what a Republican Congress and President will do, right? That means social security, medicare, disability programs, education, you know, all that unimportant stuff desired by you takers. But don’t worry about me. I’ve got enough socked away for retirement, so I’ll be very comfortable. As a matter of fact, if there is another recession because people don’t have the money to pay for their food and utilities, that should cause prices to come down, which only helps me.
- The return of fiefdoms. Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but let’s face it, if you can’t afford to move out of your state, you will be completely at the whim of your state government. So you can lose your job if you’re gay, not be able to use a bathroom if you’re transgender, have to travel hundreds of miles to get affordable women’s health care and family planning services, get probed if you want an abortion, and a whole host of other inconveniences. And not one of those things will affect us rich white guys.
- Loss of civil rights: but, who cares if they arrest illegal aliens and crack down on Muslims? No skin off my nose, I’ll just crowd source all those home maintenance jobs. You’d be surprised how much the offer of any job to underemployed Americans will be accepted.
- More pollution, and catastrophic weather events: now you all may be affected by these minor annoyances, but don’t worry about me. I can afford to live on that hill above the flood zone and equip my house, car, stables, and private schools with state of the art air and water filters. This is all about having the freedom to choose whether you want to drink and breath the free stuff, or pay for the good stuff, amiright?
- Health care freedom: finally, you can have the plan that you want. With the repeal of Obamacare, think of how many thousands of people can choose to die instead of getting health care, like they do in states that refuse to expand Medicaid. Less people means less over crowding, which mean shorter lines when we rich old white guys go to the movies, eat out, or visit our neighborhood banker. Besides, I’ve can see my private doctor any time I want, since he’s on a retainer.
- Nuclear war. Now, I’ll admit, this could be an inconvenience for most people, but I’ve planned ahead by having some strategically placed vacation homes that are fully stocked with food, water and weapons to discourage survivors from trying to share the wealth I’ve worked so hard to attain.
In conclusion, while you waste your life playing Pokemon go, or work two jobs to support your kids, or get permanently downsized, or choose food over life support, nothing that happens to you under a President Trump is my problem. Everything’s gonna be all right for yours truly, regardless of who wins.
So get out there and vote your conscience, all you Bernie bros, Green partiers, Libertarians, and moderate Republicans. Or don’t vote to show your disgust with all that negative campaigning. You’ll be doing us a favor when Herr Drumpf changes the definition of freedom of the press to be only stories on how much he is winning. No more of those obnoxious news guys trying to tell us about negative stuff.
I believe in my heart you can Make America Great Again.
For me.
(To quote the brilliant Michael Chabon) Lon Shapiro is “a would-be sharp operator who lacked for the satisfaction of his ambition only the quality of sharpness and who expended all of his energies on preserving his opinions from contamination by experience.”
