While in Austin I went to watch some bad poetry/performance art. A woman stomped around on a makeshift stage and broke glasses and plates. The very next day, while helping my friend move a “band” in her van, I explained what I had seen the night before to a petite gothic woman with long black hair. She told me, in a deadpan Texas accent, “I know her. That bitch fucked me with a dildo.” It was said without affect. A simple statement of fact. I don’t think it was any kind of metaphor. I’m no barbarian, so I didn’t react, and the conversation about poetry continued.
Gutbloom, this is by far, one of the most bizarre, random paragraphs I’ve ever read on Medium.
Naturally, I loved it.
But on a deeper note, does it not encapsulate the Austin experience? Surrounded on all sides by a sea of red (politically speaking — I’m sure the rich folks in Dallas and Houston wear SPF 30 sun screen, so one should not stereotype them based on the color of their necks), this is literally the Waterloo of progressive thought.
Yes, Austin was originally incorporated under the name “Waterloo.” The name was changed to honor the Six Million Dollar Man — corrected for 1839 dollars — Steven F. Austin (not Lee Majors), the actual “Father of Texas.” Because everything is so big in Texas, a man could father a state. (Now that I think about it, I don’t know why the Lone Star state has this reputation… there’s this guy from New York that’s fucking the entire nation, and who knows what that unholy union is going to produce. But I digress from my digression.)
My point is that Austin, the 11th-most populous city in the nation, and 4th-most populous city in the state, and known as “the blueberry in the tomato soup of Texas,” is more liberal than Los Angeles, New Orleans and Philadelphia. And yet they don’t have direct representation in Congress, as the city is carved up and served with a nice side of barbecue sauce to six members of the House of Representatives (5 Republicans and 1 Democrat).
Austin legislator calls Austin largest U.S. city without congressional district anchored in it
During Texas House action, two Travis County Democrats discussed whether Austin is weird in a politically unique way…
This is why the goth woman acknowledged both her awareness of horrible performance art (Texas is in the bottom 25% nationally in almost every educational, quality of life, environmental and economic metric), and the normality of what I assume are whiny little bitches doing nasty things. After all, the entire city has been bent over an electoral barrel since the Republicans gerrymandered Texas in 2011.
As you wrote, there are tons of great things about Texas, and a state that could produce Wes Anderson, Wendy Davis, Jim Hightower, Molly Irvin, and Shaquille O’Neal (you knew there had to be a Laker reference here, right?), has a lot going for it.
It’s just too bad they have this tendency to elect criminals, morons and suspected alien life forms*:
There are a lot of wonderful people in Texas who are thoroughly frustrated by the tyranny of a small group of right-wing extremists who want to take away a woman’s right to choose (forget about abortion, closing down Planned Parenthood will make it almost impossible for poor women to have access to basic health care), kill the environment and prevent as many people from voting as possible, while ignoring the critical issues facing the state, according to the Observer:
Texas’ education and health-care systems are nearing crisis; the state is running out of water; college tuition and home insurance rates are sky high; and we still emit more carbon than any other state.
In the summer of ‘78, I played a satellite tournament in Dallas, then drove up through the panhandle. It was hot as blazes and a fairly hostile environment (believe it or not, Google prompted me to search for “why are there no trees in the texas panhandle?”).
Twenty five years later, I was pleasantly surprised to have my perceptions changed by visiting Houston and Galveston, which was lush and green and had really good sea food.
Texas is just so big, there’s no way to really define it. They can’t even agree on the definition of Texas-style barbecue — they have five different known styles in the state.
I was once in Shreveport, LA, which is only 47 miles away from Carthage, located in East Texas. This good ol’ boy from there agrees that it’s like five different states.
One last thing, Michael Strahan does not belong on the list of good Texans, except for the two times he helped beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl. The Giants are almost as evil as the Patriots. Here are TWO players faking an injury at the same time against my Rams.
Thanks for alerting me to your hilarious in-depth analysis of Texas. Have a great weekend, you big barbarian.
*First, I know the Delay charges were overturned on a strictly partisan vote by a higher court, based on the argument “the State failed to prove the ‘applicable culpable mental states’ for the donating corporations to support a finding of criminal intent by the corporations.” Because corporations are people, silly. Secondly, I realize I am seriously damaging the reputation of morons by showing a man who somehow equates limiting ammo magazines with being free to fuck animals. Third, this man-pig-sith hybrid does Star Wars impressions that are just a little too realistic.