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“He flops on offense just like I flop on defense.”

Celtics guard Marcus Smart, on James Harden

Just had to share the most hilarious quote ever by the guy who got fined $15K for complaining about Harden getting all the calls, and then admits he’s just as bad. Here’s where I found the quote, a story about Harden’s ability to draw bogus fouls.

For those of you who are not familiar with my past research, I discovered The Law of Phantom Fouls, during the 2017 playoffs:

The Law of Phantom Fouls may help to explain the phenomenon of what happens to every one of those socks that disappear after you do a load of laundry. The law states the following:

  1. Fouls originate in Boston, where they simply drip off Marcus Smart like one of those shaggy dogs that comes out of the swimming pool and then shakes itself dry in the living room.
  2. Fouls are never called in the TD Garden, because they are needed in Houston…
  3. So James Harden can play football on a basketball court, using defenders as tackling dummies. It doesn’t matter how much a player stays vertical, leans backwards, or runs away from contact, fouls mysteriously materialize out of thin air, just like those socks you keep losing, and those are the fouls that are not called against Smart.

Here’s a magnificent recent example, where the dummy was Brandon Ingram.

Ingram was so enraged by Harden repeatedly lowering a shoulder into his sternum (only to receive a foul for getting knocked backwards), he picked up the first technical fouls of his career and started a brawl that resulted in the suspensions of Ingram, Rondo and Chris Paul.

Based on this law, I theorized the world might come to an end if Houston played Boston in the NBA Finals:

Referees would be forced to simultaneously blow and swallow their whistles at the moment of the opening tip off. They would be paralyzed and quickly suffocate, forcing the league to bring in, and then lose referees in a never ending cycle, preventing any game from ever beginning or ending. Time would come to a complete stop. The Earth would stop spinning on it axis, and all matter would simply float away into space.

Fortunately, LeBron James and the Golden State Warriors averted this catastrophe in the making. Given the poor performances of Boston and Houston this season, mankind should be able to breathe easier, at least for another year.

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Ad agency creative director, writer & designer at Former pro tennis player and peak performance coach for professional athletes.

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