Hilarious article!

Tier I and II moves are really the bread and butter of all fans of bottom dwellers. Here’s the current stable of signature moves from the L.A. Lakers:

TIER I: The D’Angelo Russell lazy eye assist. Russell is still reliving his glory days at Ohio State, where every risky pass was a highlight assist. He doesn’t have enough energy to do an actual head fake, or anything else that makes defenders get out of the passing lane, there’s just this sort of stare into space that is close enough to the intended target that good help defenders often steal a pass that was going to a wide open player within five feet of the basket.

TIER II: The Julius Randle epileptic fit post move — with apologies to anyone suffering from this illness without the compensation of an NBA contract. Believe it or not, almost every move Randle makes ends in a spin move to his left, even fall-away jump shots. What makes this move so different from every other young player who doesn’t know how to use his body to protect the ball from would-be shot blockers, is the way Julius goes in the air, finds a defender draped all over him and the frantically jerks his arms and legs around trying to find an opening to make his shot while he hangs in the air. Sometimes, it works like this:

It especially helps when the refs don’t call traveling:

TIER III: The Swaggy P or D or L — basically, anything Nick Young does. His signature move is like the deformed love child of Kobe Bryant and Javale McGee’s basketball skills. Either he hits an outrageous, game-winning three by intercepting a pass destined for a teammate…

or he does a 360 layup that flies over the backboard…

There must be a special kind of basketball hall of fame for a guy who has an equal number of Top 10 highlights and Shaq’tin the Fool appearances.

Swaggy is a true renaissance man, with a future as a coach and a foley effects man, as this video shows:

TIER IV: The Lou Williams fades left, hangs, and draws contact. Lou Williams is this slight, baby faced (if babies could have scrawny goatees) offensive powerhouse who lets players make enough contact to draw a foul while at the same time aiding his fall away jump shot. As an entertainment bonus, watch opposing players for the expression of disbelief that they fell for the move. (Boogie’s reaction at 00:30):

Here is Sweet Lou fading to his left multiple times during a forty-four point outburst:

This guy is so good he would be a shoo-in for Sixth Man of the Year… except he plays for the Lakers.

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Ad agency creative director, writer & designer at https://guttmanshapiro.com. Former pro tennis player and peak performance coach for professional athletes.

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