I’m glad you are learning to forgive yourself and understand the concept of the “cell.”
One of my closest friends lost his wife to cancer (she was 46 and they had a kid). He never went through grief counseling. When he lost his mother a year later, he began a spiral into darkness and isolated himself from his family and friends.
In spite of having a sixteen year old son, he was so deeply imprisoned in his guilt and grief, he decided that it would be better for his son to be an orphan than to live with a father like him. We lost him in July 2014.
Every now and then, I think of him, almost expecting him to call me. Sometimes I grieve. Sometimes I beat myself up for not seeing the signs (but no one does, unless they have prior experience or professional training). And sometimes I tell him “f*ck you, you selfish bastard.”
I’ll never forget, but I measure that pain in minutes, not years.
Stay strong. Be well and live your new adventure.