I Rule and You All Suck, So Stop Whining.

A techbro/life hack graciously shares the secrets of being awesome.

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Hey peons, it’s me. That guy who rules.

That’s me floating around above society with my buddies.

We are golden, get it?

We make it all happen in this world.

Society revolves around us because we’re awesome.

That’s why I’ve got, like, 43,000 K followers.

I spit truth in my blog posts like Justin Beiber raps, only I can dance, bitch.

We are job creators, so why all this f*cking class warfare?

Don’t tax us, or we’ll move even more factories to Mexico or Viet Nam or any other country that will give us all the “business incentives” we require to lift their pitiful economies out of the filth.

Now that I think about it, maybe we could ship all our homeless over there to get some good jobs. Kill two birds with one stone, amiright?

Better yet, I’ll bet we could offer the homeless a couple of donuts and get them to do all sorts of fun things to entertain us, like pull us around in rickshaws and race up and down Lombard Street.

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But I’m a really good dude, you know?

See all those people that are allowed to enter my world?

I tolerate them.

A little.

As long as they don’t whine about their lives on social media.

Then I’ve got to put them back in their place with my insightful comments about their bad life choices, laziness, and millennial douchebaggery.

Like those feminazis.

What the f*ck is up with this whole income equality thing?

They’re not like real engineers, right?

They just do it so they can hang with cool techbros, like me.

What’s wrong with a little flirting? Can’t they use the few extra dollars I put on their desk, or leave sticking out of my alligator skin belt?

Why do they need time off from my company when they have kids?

How stupid do you have to be not to hire a nanny for all that messy stuff?

And look how I take care of all those interns and entry level workers at my startup.

I provide some quality snackage to those people, and then they’re complaining about the minimum wage.

WTF?

Don’t they know how lucky they are that I created this incredible startup all by myself.

I’m a full stack bad ass.

I found a way to leverage a stagnant economy and release all that value so everyone could get a piece of the action, so why is everyone bitching about me getting a little extra taste? (So what if I fly a G6? My idea lifts the whole economy, you wankers, so deal with it.)

Never mind about those other displaced workers.

They’re losers for not keeping up with the times.

They can’t expect to keep those inefficient benefits, when I’ve got tons of followers who are happy to have the freedom to work when and if they want.

Sh*t, I’m doing everyone a favor.

I’m super compassionate about immigration.

Personally, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about children brought here illegally.

Why shouldn’t they have the chance to go to college, take on massive student debt, and eventually work for me?

Especially if they volunteer for the military.

Hell, somone’s got to fight to keep us safe from whoever the f*ck is trying to attack us ‘cuz they hate our freedom.

But I’m a sophisticated political observer and trend setter, so I know we need measured progress.

As long as we can measure it the way we look at the rings of those Sequoias on my ranch near Lake Tahoe.

My dad and some of his buddies in Washington, see immigration as a problem.

Something to do with voter optics, or some such bullish*t.

So, whatever.

I’ll give them my vote, but why would I stand in line for eight hours to vote, when I can have my personal assistant fill out my mail-in ballot? I’m way too busy for that.

This is America and God made me special.

And yo, I never forget my bruh, that black dude who went to school with me.

I wonder what happened to him.

He was talking about giving back to the inner city, but, like, I’m in the center of town and I don’t see him at all.

As long as he keeps his friends in line, it’s all right.

Why do they have to go and incite the police like that?

We’ve got to have some law and order or everything turns to chaos.

I’ve got a reservation at that chichi restaurant at 7:30, so don’t get shot in the street, cuz that totally f*cks up the traffic.

YOU CAN LEARN MY SECRETS NOW!

Now you’re all saying to yourselves, how can I take my place in the warm glow of the American Dream?

Well, I’ve got a heart of gold, so I’m going to share the secrets of my self-made awesomeness with you.

My unique, unparalleled, integrated program is based on my Awesome Success Secrets (ASS).

You have the unbelievable good fortune to follow my path, by learning the first four secrets for free!

After that, all you need to do is sign up for my free email, where my powerful infinite monkey content creation technology will bombard you with self-help platitudes until you lose all the ability to think for yourself.

You will buy my book, sign up for my online seminars, and join my insider training personalized training group.

It’s not cheap, but it’s worth every dollar to have the chance to become just like me. (Well almost like me; after all we all will know where you came from, so there won’t be a day that goes by without us reminding you of you lower status.

ASS #1: NO GUN CONTROL.

Look at those guns!

The only thing to rival those pythons is my trouser snake, Jake.

Work out with your trainer, like six times a week.

It’s really intense, but it’s worth it because the ladies dig the way I fill those tailored silk shirts and skinny jeans.

And make sure you hit the tanning booth enough, because a little color really pops the contours of my abs.

ASS #2: CRUSH IT!

I get so much more done each day by delegating menial tasks to my personal assistant.

Plus, I save time by using my app to get other people to do a bunch of chores, like picking up my dry cleaning, doing the shopping so my chef doesn’t waste time at the store, and walking my dog.

And don’t let him piss on my Persian rugs or it’s your ass, man.

Oh, I almost forgot. I got an MBA, so I could be on top of the business end of my tech empire, so make sure you get one of those, too.

ASS #3: MONEY TALKS, BULLSH*T WALKS!

Always keep your most trusted mentors and investors on speed dial, in case your assistant is out to lunch.

On those rare occasions when I need to handle some business challenge, it’s always better to get a quick answer than to actually waste time doing research (my assistant isn’t smart enough to always come up with the goods).

Besides, they owe me.

They get such good cred from associating with me.

It’s like new deals are falling into their laps all the time because of my success.

ASS #4: BE A SELF-MADE MAN.

Always believe in your awesomeness.

No one can give you that inner strength but you.

Not mom, or dad, or my little league coaches, or those private tutors, or the tech camp mentors, college professors, professional development coaches, VC team, board members, none of them.

Remember it’s all got to come from inside you, if you want to be awesome like me.

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Here’s to better writing, bruh.

Written by

Ad agency creative director, writer & designer at https://guttmanshapiro.com. Former pro tennis player and peak performance coach for professional athletes.

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