It’s strange how different things affect different people.
I laughed so hard at the two phrases I highlighted. Not only should dogs have opposable thumbs, but I have often wished they had the gift of flight — that would teach those a-hole squirrels who taunt them from the safety of a nearby tree.
And I’m sorry to laugh at misery, but the idea of using Thor’s hammer to smash anything into vapor describes the thought processes of a man so paralyzed with rage that he forgets Thor 101 basics: the hammer is only capable of smashing things into bits, flattening them paper thin, or depositing the offending matter at the base of a hole created by said blow.
Your trials and tribulations reminded me of another one of my personal favorites:
I hope you will find some consolation and perhaps fellowship in the sufferings of this other tortured soul.