Look at the ingredients of any American mayonnaise and you will see it is truly an abomination that should be only served by the concession stands in the nine circles of Hell (or at Lakers games this season).
In the same way that Lucifer is a fallen angel, American mayonnaise is an ungodly imposter that tries to tempt innocent, unsuspecting people down a dark and unhealthy path.
Here are the ingredients of Heilman’s Mayo (in order of volume): soybean oil, water, whole eggs and egg yolks, vinegar, salt, sugar, lemon juice concentrate, calcium disodium edta (used to protect quality), natural flavors.
However, if you were to prepare a true French mayonnaise sauce¹, you would see how close you are to heaven, floating above the pantheon of earth-bound condiments:
Key ingredients: egg yolk, salt, pepper, white vinegar, French (the real stuff, not French’s, which no true French person would even consider as mustard²), Dijon Mustard, and sunflower, peanut or grape seed oil.
All fresh. All natural. It is the epitome of gastronomic purity and simplicity.
Cue Handel:
Having said all that, I would never eat a hot dog with mayonnaise, as it could lead people to committing one of the Eight Deadly Sins…
“…the mustard came off the hot dog!”
According to the prophet, Chick Hearn, when describing one of the worst mistakes a basketball, a player who loses the ball while trying to showboat.
In listening to Chick’s recorded sermons, his tone of surprise, frustration (and even disgust), suggests that a state of mustardless hot doggedness is inexcusable and unacceptable in the holy house of hoops, and in a total contradiction to the Bible.
From here, we must extrapolate that a state of holy matrimony can only exist when mustard and hot dog are joined as one, for now and forever. How could we ever assume that any condiment other than mustard would be acceptable in the eyes of the Lord?³
FOOTNOTES.
¹Mayonnaise is the oldest and most versatile cold sauce, and also the base of a lot of other sauces some of which are famous worldwide. Also, in first century Palestine, fish would have been a more likely main course, as sheep would be kept alive for their milk and wool. Tartar sauce is a filthy bastardization of mayonnaise, so I think the argument could be made that Jesus would choose a true French mayonnaise over mustard.
²From a strictly theological perspective, Jesus valued purity above all else. But a very solid French Dijon mustard sold by Amazon France is actually not super expensive, as it works out to about 4.4¢ per ounce. Jesus would have gone with the economy size:
³Additional scripture from the Apostle Paul Pink, “let no man tear asunder the holy union of mustard and hot dog, but adding chili and onions makes for an outstanding dog.
