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Lebron, are you sure you know what you’ve gotten into?

Meet the Frankenstein Four

Otherwise known as your 2018 Los Angeles Lakers

As we Lakers fans bathed in the warm glow of a Sunday afternoon and the announcement that Lebron James was taking his talents to the City of Angels, the mood was quickly replaced by an eerie chill in the air as the team announced the signings of Lance Stephenson and Javale McGee. The next day, the mad scientist Baron von Johnson and his assistant Igor Pelinka ripped out the heart of the Lakers by letting Julius Randle leave as a free agent, who signed a deal with New Orleans for the same $9 million the Lakers used to sign Rajon Rondo.

David Stern, where are you when we need you? Can’t you rise from the sepulcher of retirement and rescind this contract like you did so many years ago?

The more I think of this new roster, the more I see my favorite team as a freakish mix of grave-robbed parts, with McGee’s cranium, Rondo’s shooting elbow and Stephenson’s mouth grafted on the massive purple and gold body of Lebron, with a gaping hole in the chest left by Randle’s absence.

In spite of my undying love for the Lakers, I’m a reasonably objective fan. I called out Shaq for having surgery done “on company time” and wasting his immense talents on all that BBQ chicken (not weak opponents, eating actual buckets of BBQ chicken). I also called out Kobe’s selfish play and his refusal to play defense for the last five years of his career.

It pains me to say it, but right now I’m a little worried about the team with Lebron as the acting GM. Gone are the simple days of watching the young guys try to play the right way as we watched them grow like proud Little League parents.

In a world where the Warriors look to win the title for another couple of years, you let a young team develop and see if they make the jump, right?

Instead of the Hampton Five, it appears we have the Frankenstein Four, and I dedicate this song to them, to all Lakers fans, and even to all Lakers haters who may revel in the year to come.

I truly, truly hope I’m wrong
but at least I can enjoy this song:

(Sung to the tune of “The Monster Mash”)

I was shooting in the gym late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
From the free agent graveyard they began to rise
And suddenly tears filled my eyes

They grabbed the cash
They took Magic’s cash
They grabbed the cash
Just like a train yard crash
They grabbed the cash
Why’d Lebron want trash?
They grabbed the cash
They grabbed the Lakers’ cash

From the hard wood floor, I watched their tricks
Lance Stephenson unleashed his bricks
And Rondo snarled as he missed too
McGee just smiled, Shaqtin a foo’

They grabbed the cash
They took Magic’s cash
They grabbed the cash
Just like a train yard crash
They grabbed the cash
Why’d Lebron want trash?
They grabbed the cash
They grabbed the Lakers’ cash

The new guys were having fun
Practice had just begun
Lebron was there with Ingram,
Kuzma, and Lavar’s son

The court was rockin’, squeaky shoes on the floor
Magic and Pelinka chain smokin’ by the door
They asked themselves as they watched five on five
When Jeanie sees this, will we get out alive?

They grabbed the cash
They took Magic’s cash
They grabbed the cash
Just like a train yard crash
They grabbed the cash
Why’d Lebron want trash?
They grabbed the cash
They grabbed the Lakers’ cash

Back on the court, Ball’s voice did ring
His passing troubled by just one thing
As the new guys missed time after time
He cried, “Whatever happened to ‘It’s My Dime?’”

They grabbed the cash
They took Magic’s cash
They grabbed the cash
Just like a train yard crash
They grabbed the cash
Why’d Lebron want trash?
They grabbed the cash
They grabbed the Lakers’ cash

Now Shaqtin a fool, has a permanent home
With Rondo bouncing passes off their domes
For you, Lebron, the cash was meant to
revive the Lakers, not recruit this crew

They grabbed the cash
They took Magic’s cash
They grabbed the cash
Just like a train yard crash
They grabbed the cash
Why’d Lebron want trash?
They grabbed the cash
They grabbed the Lakers’ cash

Written by

Ad agency creative director, writer & designer at https://guttmanshapiro.com. Former pro tennis player and peak performance coach for professional athletes.

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