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Here are the lyrics I wrote to this Bon Jovi song in 2015, after the humiliation of the Lamarcus Aldridge rejection, the decision to draft (no D) Angelo Russell, and the horror of giving up a draft pick for the privilege of paying $19 million for the bloated corpse of Roy Hibbert. This was the canary in the mine shaft moment signaling the Lakers would become the 76ers of the West. This wasn’t a big hit with Lakers fans, but I still laugh at these lyrics and how well they hone to the rhyming scheme of the original song.

Once upon a time, not so long ago…

Magic used to handle the rock
Worthy alley oops…
The sky hook no one could stop,
it always dropped…

Kobe fed the Big Dog all day,
Phil was the man.
The season would start in May,
June parades…

We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got,
It really makes a difference if we stink or not,
Sixteen banners and that’s a lot…
with luck…

A LOT-TER-Y SHOT!

Woooo-oooh, with Hibbert there,
Woooo-oooh, Lakers on a prayer…
Kobe’s bones won’t make it I swear…
Woooo-oooh, Lakers on a prayer!

Jimmy’s got the franchise in shock
Mitch promised rings but everyone knows it’s talk…
Just a crock

Jeanie dreams of running away,
She cries in the night,
But Phil’s in New York to stay…
Not okay

We’ve got to hold on to what we had,
Our only hope this season is to tank real bad,
We’ve got the next draft to make us glad…
with luck…

KE-VIN DUR-ANT!

Woooo-oooh, with Hibbert there,
Woooo-oooh, Lakers on a prayer…
Shoot long twos, the coach don’t care…
Woooo-oooh, Lakers on a prayer!

Lakers on a prayer…

[Instrumental]

We’ve got to hold our nose, don’t smell the rot…

EX-PIR-ING CONTRACTS ARE ALL WE’VE GOT!

[Key change!]

Woooo-oooh, with Hibbert there,
Woooo-oooh, Lakers on a prayer…
Nick Young bricks, “I’ll make it” he swears
Woooo-oooh, Lakers on a prayer!

Woooo-oooh, with Hibbert there,
Woooo-oooh, Lakers on a prayer…
Byron Scott can’t lose more hair…
Woooo-oooh, Lakers on a prayer!

Woooo-oooh, with Hibbert there,
Woooo-oooh, Lakers on a prayer…
Take long walks, get more fresh air…
Woooo-oooh, Lakers on a prayer!

[Repeat and fade… just like the Lakers’ short term future]

Original response to Gutbloom:

Okay, it all makes sense now. You’re not some hypocritical bandwagoner like other politicians (although you certainly can talk the talk on your stump speeches). You just follow the stream like a salmon who can’t afford to return to his spawning ground. I get it, and it’s totally justifiable, even if only a handful of people having any idea what we’re talking about.

With regard to the Knicks and Pat Riley, I think there’s an argument to be made about how the place shapes the man. In breezy Los Angeles, Riley was just as much of a paranoid competitive lunatic, but he brought us Show Time! In dark and cynical Gotham City, he gave us the muggings at Madison Square Garden. In Miami, he tuned into Michael Corleone.

The same thing can be said about Kevin Garnett. I loved him when he was with the Timberwolves. Maybe I wasn’t paying close enough attention, but it seems like when he got FedExed to Boston by Kevin McHale (a Celtic plant cleverly posing as the Minnesota GM), he learned how to set illegal screens on every play, and go insane on a regular basis.

Oh, and that video. There is so much to say about that clip:

  1. How bad is it possible for a white guy to dance and lip sync?
  2. Boston fans going crazy over a song written by a Jersey boy.
  3. Why was he not taking advantage of his mini second of fan fame to pretend hit on the blond?
  4. Every Bon Jovi hit is identical (just listen to Living on a Prayer, It’s My Life and You Give Love a Bad Name over and over. It’s almost impossible to sing the melody of one without starting to sing the melody of another).

Written by

Ad agency creative director, writer & designer at https://guttmanshapiro.com. Former pro tennis player and peak performance coach for professional athletes.

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