[SIGH]

Ah, the dreaded Gutbloom comment, in which three minutes of your frenetic typing will earn more claps than the article I spent a week researching, two days writing, and then one fevered night editing and overthinking.

Not to mention the beautiful custom Medium paywall cover art I created.

We should take your list of demands and start a Kickstarter project.

In case you didn’t notice my appreciation for her appearance, I extended her the invitation to my Somalian Pirate fan club.

By the way, I hope you caught that one tiny reference I slipped in about your staying power. Those captions are almost invisible on a phone.

Finally, we missed you for the last few days, so I want to catch you up on my activity (knowing how vital that news is to everyone):

  • Finally accepting my status as a cranky old white guy, I started a series called 500-WORD RANT, a series of powerful, focused rants that cover only one topic and generally finish on the 500th word. I have never worked as hard at editing my writing.
  • I have mastered the long form sports haiku, and may never write another real NBA article. So far, the work includes a meditation on the uselessness of Andrew Wiggins in retaliation to one of Brandon Andersen’s insults, the epic history of the Lakers, starting in the lakes and snow of the Land of the Five Rings, and an ode to animal cruelty, drugs, domestic abuse, and concussions, otherwise known as the start of football season.
  • Due to the fact that I have been branded a clown, even my serious non-fiction writing is met with jokes. To warn humorists away and to welcome innocent newbies to a haven of wisdom, I created my personal seal of sincerity. This baby will tell people when I’m being deadly serious.
  • This important writing aid has given me the idea for a side hustle to compensate for my woeful earnings on Medium: custom designed, personalized writing disclaimers at a low, low cost. Since you are my celebrity spokesperson, I have designed the first one for you. When people seek out authentic 100% dreck certified by The Medium Athenæum, they will know if they have found the real thing immediately. You’re welcome!

Written by

Ad agency creative director, writer & designer at https://guttmanshapiro.com. Former pro tennis player and peak performance coach for professional athletes.

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