Who will sit on the iron throne?
Keep these possible endings in mind as you watch the last episode of Game of Thrones. They may be more logical than the way the show actually ends.
[Warning: Spoilers]
Show runners David Benioff and D.B.Weiss have said the end of Game of Thrones will be “bittersweet.”
That would be a massive step up compared to some of the endings fans have endured at the end of shows like The Sopranos, Lost, Dexter and The Walking Dead (I know that show is continuing, but the series got so ridiculous with the death/not death of Rick Grimes, it’s officially over in my book).
Having jettisoned the logical underpinnings of foreshadowing, character arcs, and all the stuff built up over the first five seasons, and armed only with the maniacal desire to “subvert” fan expectations, no one has any idea about how the show will end, including D&D.
Just ask Samuel Jackson.
So while these final “predictions” are absolutely worthless dreck (a tip of the cap to Gutbloom), I do hope they’ll be entertaining.
If you keep these potential series endings in mind as you watch the last episode of Game of Thrones, I guarantee you won’t be disappointed with the actual end of the show.
It appears the only question left is which undeserving character will sit on the iron throne?
Here are four possible answers.
Scenario 1: Daenerys refuses to clean her room.
Daenerys walks into the badly damaged grand hall housing the iron throne, finally paying off her Season 2 vision in the House of the Undying. She sneers at the mess, says “this place is a dump,” then gets on Drogon to fly back to Mereen. Jon assumes the throne, guided by Tyrion and Davos, and we finally hear the end of Tyrion’s joke about the honeycomb and the jackass. Arya shrieks, “YOU MADE US WAIT EIGHT YEARS FOR THAT SHITTY JOKE?” and slits his throat.
Roll credits.
Scenario 2: The Prince who was promised.
Daenerys takes power as the Queen of the Westeros and there’s a big shin dig in what’s left of the Red Keep’s throne room. Jon Snow, true to his word, kneels before his queen to present his sword and pledge his life in her service, but he stumbles (a la Chevy Chase pretending to be Gerald Ford — yeah, it’s an old reference but it’s all I got), and accidentally cuts off her left big toe (symbolism, biatches!!). Drogon perceives Jon is a threat to the Mother of Dragons and promptly roasts him medium rare, served with a sauce made of Vidal Blanc and dried and fresh figs.
Dany dies of an infection a few weeks later, the Dothraki commit mass suicide, Drogon flies off in search of snacks, and the Unsullied all board a boat to Naath, hoping to score some babes.
Sansa Stark arrives in the city, incites her bannermen to slaughter the survivors of King’s Landing, and then sits upon the iron throne. She laughs fiendishly, repeating the words “chaos is a ladder” over and over again.
Roll credits.
Scenario 3: Breaking the Wheel.
Daenerys swears to get revenge against Sansa for revealing the secret of Jon’s true identity. She arrives at Winterfell with her dragon and walks up to Sansa ready to pass judgement. Just before she can say “dracarys,” Bran wargs into Drogon and eats the Mad Queen. Afterwards, Sansa shows her appreciation to Bran in the bedroom, riding him so hard that one of the wheels in his chair cracks. Sansa asks, “Oh dear, did we just break the wheel?” Bran turns to the camera, grins, and says “You don’t know the half of it, sister.”
Meanwhile, back at King’s Landing, Gendry assumes the iron throne by popular demand and Arya agrees to marry him to become Queen of Westeros. At the end of the wedding feast, the crowd chants for the bedding ceremony. The house band begins to belt out “U Can’t Touch This.”
When they get to the chorus everyone begins to chant “it’s hammer time!” Gendry blushes, while Arya kills the band with her ninja staff/spear thingie.
Roll credits.
Scenario 4: The Worm Turns.
Jon Snow is shocked to find that Daenerys has truly become like her father, the Mad King. He tries to kill her, but gets cut down by Grey Worm. Suddenly, Euron appears out of nowhere, screaming “what is dead may never die!” He thrusts his knife deep into Daenerys over and over, shrieking “I fucked two queens!” Euron finally shuts up after being beheaded by an arakh-wielding Dario Naharis, who had been left a booty call text raven by Daenerys in the previous episode.
As the Mad Queen dies, the Dothraki once again commit mass suicide, Drogon dies of a broken heart and Grey Worm assumes the iron throne. The people of Westeros being to whisper… “what the hell kind of a name is torgo nodo?” “are non-citizens allowed to be king?” and “why is he giving all those stable cleaning jobs to the Now-sullied?”
Even though the seven kingdoms prosper, Grey Worm becomes more and more worried about a possible assassination attempt. One day, he finds some shiny new chain mail in his chamber and puts it on. As he goes out into King’s Landing to help supervise the rebuilding of King’s Landing, he is attacked by a masked gang of assassins. No matter how much they stab him and hack away at his body, no harm comes to the Zōbrie dārys.
With the murderous gang now in the dungeons, Grey Worm summons his grand maester, Samwell Tarly, and asks him about the chain mail that saved his life.
Sam replies, “oh yes, well, that’s a little thing I read about in one of those scrolls I took from the Citadel… I wonder if they have a late charge system, if I return them now that I finished… funny story about that, you know, I had to clean latrines and trash bins full of vomit… not very dignified if you ask me, considering I found out the secret identity of my friend Jon Snow… Gilly was there, too, but they didn’t like having women in the library… I hope you can change that policy… you of all people can appreciate discrimination… by the way did I tell you that funny joke I heard about the honeycomb and the ass?…”
“SILENCE!” orders Grey Worm. “Tell me about the chain mail that saved my life. What kind of magic is this?”
Sam chuckles and says “Oh that… yes, well I found a scroll that mentioned the cloak of invulnerability, so I went down into storage, found it, and left it in your chamber, your Grace. But it’s not magic. Just look at the manufacturer tag at the bottom of the hem.”
Grey Worm looks down and says “my English not so good. What is this thing, this Vi-bra-ni-um?”
Immediately, there is a loud explosion in the sky about the throne room. An enormous kind of flying ship appears out of a fireball and slowly descends toward Grey Worm and Sam. A hatch opens and a long platform extends out and downward, forming a walkway to the throne room floor.
Out of the ship walks a man, dressed in a strange black suit with a thin black rope around his neck, holding a small box with a handle.
Grey Worm asks, “Are you a prisoner, ser, coming to ask for mercy?”
Sam asks, “Are you a great sorcerer? May I see the scrolls that could teach me to also build a flying ship?”
Tyrion, entering the room, asks “have you heard the one about the honeycomb and a jackass?” whereupon the three men tell him to shut up.
The black suited man opens the case attached to his wrist, and hands Sam a business card and a scroll. He identifies himself as a copyright infringement lawyer working for Disney and says “words may be wind, but this is a court-order injunction against using any intellectual property belonging to the Marvel Comics Universe.”
The three main characters spend so much time in the courts, a big blustery buffoon takes over the realm, spending most of his time sending off 140 character mini ravens.
(I know. It’s too ridiculous and far fetched to be made into a TV show. Even one for HBO.)
[FADE TO BLACK]
